Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? Read online

Taking action is hard, but know what? Enduring a bad situation can be its own hell. I have a feeling you may already know that.

  And when you boil it all down, which is kind of what I’m trying to do for you here . . . these are the basics of everything: How badly do you want it to change . . . and are you willing to act? And the answer to those two questions will guide what direction you take. It will guide your choice of whether or not to talk to this person. Or to your boss, if this is person is a coworker causing a problem. It will also guide how you talk. Because if you go in and you’re belligerent, you might not get the result you were hoping for. In fact, I can sort of guarantee it. So count to three and think.

  Now, if you decide you’re just going to ignore this situation and live with it? Cool. But stop bitching about it. Really. Otherwise, you know what you are in danger of becoming? One of those annoying people who is a chronic complainer who doesn’t do anything to change the problem.

  And then we’ll all have to work up the courage to talk to you!

  You have a choice to make, and it is all yours.

  If your decision is to confront it—if that is right for your particular situation and you can cope with the consequences—you’ve got to say clearly what, in your mind, happened. Speak your facts. It’s all about what you say.

  And how you say it.

  Here’s what I’d do. Start thinking about how it all ends. That’s right. Ask yourself, “What result do I want from this?” Now, don’t blow past this. That is worth some careful thought. So many people finally seize a moment but then just barge in with mouths blazing and no goal. Big mistake. Usually, all that does is dig a deeper hole. Sit quietly first and think. Pretend you got the outcome you wanted. What is it? OK, now, work toward that and forget everything else. I’m here to tell you, it is so much more effective than just attacking. Anybody can do that.

  Seek a result. And that starts by envisioning what it is.

  And have your facts straight. When you know you are right, it’s very easy to say, “Look, here’s what I actually said,” or “Here’s why what you’re hearing about me is wrong.” But do make sure you have your facts right, because it makes every bit of difference if you are not standing on thin ice.

  Got a big old iceberg under your feet? Good for you! Go for it.

  Chapter 7

  Abuse

  Nobody has the right to put rough hands on you. You do understand that, don’t you? It’s a given. It’s wrong. It’s also illegal. But people in relationships do it all the time. And people, usually women, find themselves trapped in a world of abuse.

  Now, I’ll admit to you that this is a big subject. A very big subject that’s worth a book in itself, not just a chapter. But, see, this is my shot to share with you, so if you are in an abusive relationship, I want to say something. And it’s the same thing that I say about everything:

  Make a decision. Because if you’ve made a decision that you can’t do anything about your situation, you won’t.

  If you have children and you’re allowing that to happen to you and your kids . . . it’s not that you can’t change your circumstances; you won’t.

  And I don’t care what your background is. I don’t care what kind of relationship your parents had. None of that matters. Only one thing does.

  You have to make a decision. Do you want to get hit? Do you care if your kids get hit? To me, it’s black and white. And people say, “Well, no, I can’t leave.”

  You can. And you have to. Or you’re going to be dead.

  Oh, I hear what you’re saying. You’re looking at that scary step, saying life will be harder in a lot of ways if you take it. You want it to be easy, but it’s just not going to be. You may have to start again. You may have to go in a different direction. But you’ve got to do it. You’re in a bad relationship. You’re in a physically bad relationship. I’d rather be angry and upset in a different state.

  Escape. Yes, it’s a bold move. You leave your job. You go start somewhere else. And when you get to the state that you’re driving to, you go directly to the family services and say, “I just left an abusive relationship and I need help.” Period.

  But you have to make a decision. It’s the only way. You have to make the decision.

  Help yourself a little by making a plan. If you’ve gone to work and you have a car there, pick the kids up after school—make sure you’ve packed the car first, if you can do that—and leave. Leave everything you know. The kids are not going to be happy. They’re going to be mad at you because of all their friends. It’s not worth losing your teeth or your life.

  Move.

  You have to do it. You’ve got to do it. You. Can’t. Stay.

  Now. If that abusive person’s with you 24/7, you need to creatively find a way to get to the police station. And if that person leaves you alone for a minute? You’ve got to seize that opportunity and go. Escape. It’s not a discussion. It’s not a question. No one has the right to put their hands on you. Nobody.

  Know something? I have had friends in these bad relationships and they’ve asked me what to do about it, and I’ve said, “You’ve got to go.” And they say, “I can’t.” And I say, “You would not let anybody do to your kids what is being done to you. So why are you letting that person do it to you? Is it OK because he only does it when he’s mad, or when he’s drunk? No!”

  You’re not going to make it better. You’re not going to change the person. You can’t stay there. It’s not going to change. Until you do.

  But don’t say you can’t. Because you can.

  Chapter 8

  Censorship

  OK, this may shock you, but I don’t think the language I use is inappropriate. All right, maybe it would be in church. But this is me. This is just how I talk, and I’ve never looked at it as inappropriate. So the things that seem to freak other people out, don’t freak me out. It works the other way too. The words that freak me out generally don’t freak others out.

  Sort of makes life interesting for all of us, huh?

  Want to know what words really freak me out? They aren’t the curse words. Nope. The words that go up my ass are “stupid” and “dummy.” Know why? Because you can’t say either of those words with a smile. If you’re somebody who doesn’t like my curse words, I get it, that’s fine. Tell you what. I’ll make a little pact with you. When they remove “stupid” from the English language, or “dummy” from the English language, I will temper my “fucks” and “shits.” But until then? Not gonna happen.

  What I am about to say I know freaks people out:

  I would love to teach every kid to say “fuck.” Hang on, now, hang on, listen to why. The reason is because to me, that is a word that doesn’t have any effect. But “stupid” and “dummy”? You can say it to someone who is six and you can say it to someone who is a hundred and six and they will hunch their shoulders and it will be like somebody kicked them in the stomach because they are harsh, ugly words.

  “You’re so stupid.” Man, they say it on TV, they say it as jokes, they say it in the movies, they say it in the commercials, kids say it to each other, and it’s a horrific word. And to me, the ugliest, most reprehensible word in the English language is “stupid.” So, yes, I understand a lot of people don’t get my love of verbiage. But maybe if they could pause and take a look at it my way, I bet of all the words that hurt them—I mean really, really hurt them—they’d realize that “fuck” just isn’t one of them.

  Look, I enjoy my freedom. And I enjoy my freedom with those words. When it makes other people uncomfortable they say, “Whoopi, you’d be so much smarter if you didn’t do it that way.” Well, it’s possible, sure. But guess what? I like the way I do it. And if you have noticed anything about me over the years, you may have an inkling that I’m not about to stop. So if you are one of those people, you have a choice to make. You can either hear what I have to say, and maybe hear some of those words—and know that they are words that I love because they have no harm in them—or don’t. And ma
ybe miss out on something that might be kind of fun or smart. But the choice is always yours.

  Chapter 9

  Road Rude

  I don’t want anyone killing me with their car. Is that too much to ask? No, it’s not. Then why are so many people trying to send me to my early reward with their vehicles? Truly. I can’t believe some of the stunts I see pulled out there on the road. I have to say the worst behavior you see from people is when they get a steering wheel in their hands. To the point that I believe that your car is like a brain scan of your personality.

  If you are a polite person or just a normal, considerate, going-along-and-along-in-life person, that’s pretty evident. You get a smile and a nod from me at the next stoplight.

  If you are easily distracted, clumsy, or kind of off in the ozone, we’re going to see that too. Please try to keep it off the sidewalk.

  And if you are a jackass? Well, trust me, we know. We all know. And the way you carry on, we get plenty of opportunities to confirm that.

  Do you think that when you get inside your car and close the door you become magically invisible? You do not. Not even with those tinted windows you think look so cool. We can see you. And it ain’t pretty.

  Some folks will surprise you when you see what they pull on the highway. These are the people who may not show signs of aggression or rudeness or risky behavior sitting in the break room with you at work, or selling you a nice pair of shoes at the department store. But don’t be fooled. It doesn’t mean that it’s not part of their personality. Like that famous cartoon folks saw in driver’s ed. It’s where good ol’ Goofy gets behind the wheel and suddenly becomes Satan. That’s what happens to some people. Folks turn on that ignition, and suddenly, Satan rules.

  What makes that happen? Maybe somebody chewed them out just before they left the factory, or they learned in the parking lot that some dude from the marketing department got the promotion they wanted. Or their girlfriend cheated on them. Or their boyfriend refuses to ask his best bud from college to find a motel for the weekend so they can have some alone time.

  Or. Or. Or.

  Does it matter what reason people have to be misbehaving behind the wheel? Hell, no. Screw the reason, all I care about is how they drive. And if you are a person who acts out with bad behavior behind the wheel, I have a message for you.

  If you speed through a school zone, I have a message for you.

  If you park in handicapped spaces, I have a message for you.

  If you weave through cars on the interstate like it was your personal slalom, I have a message for you.

  If you zip into a parking spot that somebody else has been patiently waiting for, I have a message for you.

  If you run lights, or bust a crosswalk with people in it, I have a message for you.

  If other, more reasonable people obey the law and common sense and pull to the right to let a fire truck or an ambulance pass, and you use that opportunity to pass them all because you think you’re so special that doesn’t apply to you, I have a message for you.

  If you tailgate, practice road rage, live on your horn, pollute with your smoky tailpipe, blind people with your high beams, dent somebody’s fender and drive off, throw litter out the car window, drink, text, or watch videos on your cell phone while you should be driving, I have a message for you.

  You’re looking at it.

  Chapter 10

  Self-Test: Parking

  Have you ever parked illegally in a Handicapped Only space?

  If yes, score 5

  If no, score 0

  Did you care that you did?

  If yes, score 1

  If no, score 5

  Is it bothering you that you did?

  If yes, score 1

  If no, score 5

  Is it possible that you prevented someone who needed it from using it?

  If yes, score 5

  If no, score 5

  Did you care?

  If yes, score 1

  If no, score 5

  Would it piss you off if they did it to you?

  If yes, score 2

  If no, score 5

  Total score: ______

  Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

  Chapter 11

  No Condom? No Way

  Unless you’re looking to get pregnant, let’s talk about common sense.

  This behavior is not about etiquette. It’s about life-death behavior.

  Unless you’re looking to get pregnant, or you’re looking to catch whatever somebody might have caught that you don’t know about—“Put the condom on” should be the first thing out of your mouth. This is not a conversation. There is no debate. If you do not want to get pregnant, the man needs to wear a condom, it’s that simple.

  Or you don’t need to have sex.

  It’s not a maybe I should, or maybe I shouldn’t. It’s very simple. There are things out there that can kill you. If you have this partner and you don’t know anything about him, don’t do him unless he is wearing a condom, period.

  Duh!

  And I don’t see why it’s hard to say, “Stop. I need the condom because I don’t want to raise your kids.”

  And guys, don’t be an ass. You should not only wear the condom—invest in the company!

  DO NOT make your partner feel bad for asking you to wear it again and again. Or hear you whine that it doesn’t feel natural, blah-blah-blah. Both of you say, “OK. We’ll find another kind.” But you’re wearing one. Period.

  Not wearing one makes no sense to me.

  The condom should be part of the ritual. Learn how to put one on him. But you cannot go bare skin to bare skin anymore.

  The world has changed. Period. Period, period, period. And I don’t care whether you’re concerned that your daughter’s going to have sex if you start talking to her about using condoms. She may have sex, but you need to help her protect herself.

  Have the conversation.

  Chapter 12

  If You Don’t Want to Hear the Answer, Don’t Ask the Question

  Everybody knows nobody likes to be criticized. Because sometimes, depending on who’s doing it, it feels like an attack.

  But the only thing worse than getting criticized is someone asking for your opinion about something and they give you hell . . . and you end up with your head handed to you. Now that’s bad manners. And bad behavior.

  People say they want your honest opinion. But do they? Or do they just want to hear the good stuff?

  There was a great article recently by a screenwriter named Josh Olson. It ran in the Village Voice. The man was absolutely right. It was called “No I Won’t Read Your Fucking Script.” Brilliant!

  It was an opinion piece about how aspiring screenwriters ask him to read their sample scripts and get his comments. Josh Olson is a respected professional. And the man knows his craft. Anyway, this article he wrote is sort of an open letter to the amateur writers out there who are always trying to get someone’s critique. These folks usually hit you up at cocktail parties, or when you’re leaving the restaurant . . . or the hospital. Or when you are trying to forget about work for an hour. Here’s just a taste of what he wrote in the Voice:

  . . . I simply have no interest in reading your fucking screenplay. None whatsoever. If that seems unfair, I’ll make you a deal.

  In return for you not asking me to read your fucking script, I will not ask you to wash my fucking car, or take my fucking picture, or represent me in fucking court, or take out my fucking gall bladder, or whatever the fuck it is that you do for a living.

  And that’s just the beginning.

  The point he makes is that it’s pretty much a no-win situation to give somebody advice about anything they have created or performed. People ask me to read scripts all the time, and I just don’t do it. I won’t do it.

  But why, Whoop . . . ?

  Here’s why.

  Bo-Be-Boo sends me a script to read, and I read it, and I say
, “No, it’s not for me.” Now. Say someone has the same idea, decides to make it, and thinks of me to be in it. Bo-Be-Boo decides to sue me because I’m now accused of stealing that idea and I have to prove that I didn’t. A mess? Yes! But . . . if I don’t read the script—I mean I don’t even open the envelope—there is no issue.

  Sometimes people say, come hear me sing. I say, “You know I’m antisocial. I don’t go out.” People who know me know that I am antisocial, so they stop asking. And then if I show up, they say, “Wow! OK . . .”

  But, if I come, please don’t ask me how you sound. ’Cause I won’t tell you. Come on!!! People don’t really want to know. I know from too much experience that even if I say they sound great, they’re going to say, “No, really, tell me, how did I sound?” and I say, “You sounded great.” And they go, “But . . . ?”

  That’s when I’m sorry . . . sorry I was ever asked the question. Even sorrier I ever went. I say to myself, “You know what? Now it’s too technical. Now you want to know too much. Now . . . where is my coat?”

  Sometimes all folks want is a pat on the back. Other times, people just want to know that they did OK. Most times, they’re leading you out into a minefield. I don’t take that walk. No way. I try to stay on neutral ground. And my favorite word . . . is “swell.” Because nobody’s sure what it means. “That was . . . swell.”

  Gah!!

  There’s another thing going on here. The real point is that someone isn’t just asking me to read their script. Or to hear them sing. Or to stare at their paintings. They’re asking me to tell them something that only they should make a decision about. Do they really need my opinion? Not really. They know if they can do this or they can’t. My telling them that they can do it doesn’t mean anything.

  And that is why God created “swell.” Thank you, God!

  Also, if somebody does take the time and effort to read your work or come see you perform . . . it’s a favor. And if you ask them to call on their expertise and give you their perspective . . . whether it’s good or bad . . . your only response should be “Thank you.” Even if you disagree and want to have a discussion after, I don’t care. Your first two words? “Thank you.”