Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? Read online

  IS IT JUST ME?

  Or is it nuts out there?

  WHOOPI GOLDBERG

  To EJ & CJ,

  the two most civil folks in my life.

  Do unto others

  as you would have done unto you.

  Contents

  Foreword: Rude Awakening

  Chapter 1 - Abuse It and Lose It

  Chapter 2 - Politics Has Gotten #$!@%! Nasty

  Chapter 3 - Group Insult

  Chapter 4 - Big Blogger

  Chapter 5 - If You Can’t Be Witty, Don’t Be Shitty

  Chapter 6 - Then Maybe You Should Stop Complaining

  Chapter 7 - Abuse

  Chapter 8 - Censorship

  Chapter 9 - Road Rude

  Chapter 10 - Self-Test: Parking

  Chapter 11 - No Condom? No Way

  Chapter 12 - If You Don’t Want to Hear the Answer, Don’t Ask the Question

  Chapter 13 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Things to Tell People Who Put You on the Spot

  Chapter 14 - Gracious You

  Chapter 15 - Toenail Clipping and Common Scents

  Chapter 16 - Where Is the Respect?

  Chapter 17 - You Respect My Opinion, I’ll Respect Yours

  Chapter 18 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: How Not to Turn a Discussion into a Fight

  Chapter 19 - Daily Rehab

  Chapter 20 - TSA Does Not Mean “Time to Smart Ass”

  Chapter 21 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: How Not to Slow Down a TSA Screening

  Chapter 22 - Just Plane Good Manners

  Chapter 23 - Even Steve Jobs Has to Turn Off His Cell Phone

  Chapter 24 - Self-Test: A Traveler Check

  Chapter 25 - Fragrant Fliers

  Chapter 26 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Stinky Foods Not to Bring on a Plane

  Chapter 27 - Babes on a Plane

  Chapter 28 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: What to Bring for a Kid on a Plane

  Chapter 29 - Louder, They Can’t Hear You in the Lobby

  Chapter 30 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Places Not to Use a Cell Phone

  Chapter 31 - Thank You for Not Texting

  Chapter 32 - Self-Test: Resisting Textation

  Chapter 33 - A Flea on the Ass of a Mosquito

  Chapter 34 - Play Nice or Stay Home

  Chapter 35 - Self-Test: Stadium Behavior

  Chapter 36 - Block That Parent

  Chapter 37 - Self-Test: Sideline Civility

  Chapter 38 - Down in Front!

  Chapter 39 - Manners

  Chapter 40 - An Elevator Is Like a Bathroom

  Chapter 41 - Encourage Your Kids to Play by Themselves

  Chapter 42 - Peer Itself

  Chapter 43 - Role Models Will Disappoint You

  Chapter 44 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Role Models Who Have Disappointed Us

  Chapter 45 - How Do I Look? And Tell the Truth

  Chapter 46 - The Three Questions

  Chapter 47 - You Realize I Can See You

  Chapter 48 - If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Do It

  Chapter 49 - Should We Be Worried About This?

  Chapter 50 - Bloggers Are Cowards

  Chapter 51 - Don’t Think You Know Someone Because You See Them on Television

  Chapter 52 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Commonly Used Hurtful Words and Phrases

  Chapter 53 - You Realize I Can Hear You

  Chapter 54 - The Smarter Things to Say

  Chapter 55 - Self-Test: Offensive Language

  Chapter 56 - Think It, Don’t Say It

  Chapter 57 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Things to Think and Not Say

  Chapter 58 - Buddy Is the New Nigger

  Chapter 59 - Just Because I’m a Catholic, Don’t Assume That a Priest Has Touched Me

  Chapter 60 - There Aren’t Enough Jails

  Chapter 61 - Take Your Stinking Paws Off Me, You Damned Dirty Ape!

  Chapter 62 - A Civil Person’s Truly Handy List: The Hands-Off List

  Chapter 63 - A Civil Person’s Handy List: Behavior to Avoid in the Workplace

  Chapter 64 - Simple Requests for Portraying Black People

  Chapter 65 - Questions You Should Ask a Week Before Guests Come to Your House

  Chapter 66 - Who Rules When It’s Not Your House?

  Chapter 67 - Noisy Neighbors

  Chapter 68 - Bullies

  Chapter 69 - Self-Test: Am I a Bully?

  Chapter 70 - Manners Don’t Take a Vacation

  Chapter 71 - May I Have Your Attention Please? . . . Please?

  Chapter 72 - Stress One Now

  Chapter 73 - With All Due Respect

  Chapter 74 - Master Score Sheet for Self-Tests

  Chapter 75 - Glossary of Terms & Other Words

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also By Whoopi Goldberg

  Copyright

  Foreword: Rude Awakening

  First of all, thanks for picking up this book. I’m sure the cover got your attention too. That was the point. Now that you’ve done so, you may be wondering, “What the hell?”—which is one of the names I had for this. Some of the others were Uncivil Liberties (which no one got), or If You’re in Confession, You Can’t Have an Autograph, which everyone said sounded like a prissy book by a celebrity. And then Is It Just Me? came into being because it really does say it all.

  As it turns out, it isn’t just me. When I asked different people what was bugging them, it turned out that it was the same stuff bugging me!—and I knew what I wanted to write.

  Somehow so many little pieces of courtesy have gone by the wayside. People in your face, in your business, not caring if they are invading your space, being disrespectfully loud.

  Thoughtlessness is the new manners, and I’ve got to say I don’t like it. Now, I’m guilty of some of those things, but I’m aware of it, so I try not to share my cell phone conversations with everyone. I try to remember to say “please” and “thank you”—all the things my mom taught me to do . . . that I don’t do anymore. But if I’m slacking on it, and if you’re slacking on it, and everyone else is slacking on it, well, you can see just how we may have gotten ourselves to the point of “I’m Annoyed/You’re Annoyed.”

  So over the last year there were days when I remembered to write things down that struck me. Many are written here. They cover the map of my mind, unleashed on you the way they appear in my head. Little things, the way I can comment on them in a book but not on TV.

  In no particular order—oh, and I don’t necessarily have any answers guaranteed to work for anyone. I can just hear you saying, “Jeez, Whoop, your head’s up your butt,” or “Hey, Whoop, that’s interesting.” But either way, you might as well get this book ’cause that guy over there just sneezed and didn’t cover his mouth, and the look on your face says, “No, Whoop, it’s not just you.”

  Whoopi

  EAST COAST

  MAY 12, 2010

  Chapter 1

  Abuse It and Lose It

  People do a lot of crazy things, but when I think about all of the things they should not be doing, the craziest thing on my mind is people drinking and driving.

  How long have we been trying to stop drunk driving? Oh, only for as long as I can remember. Think of all those films they made us watch back in driver’s ed. And then there’s all the public service announcements on TV. I always wondered why they play them late at night, though, while the drinkers are still in the bars getting tanked. Oh well. But when it comes to drunk driving, you can’t say there isn’t awareness. What’s missing is effectiveness.

  Maybe the ads aren’t graphic or scary enough. At least not enough to reach th
e people who get hammered and drive. Now, for smoking, it’s different. I see thousands of TV commercials showing people stuck in bed because they smoke cigarettes and they’re dying of cancer. They make these heart-wrenching pleas, “Don’t be like me . . . Don’t smoke.” It’s impossible to watch them and not feel the impact emotionally. Unless I’m missing something, I don’t see any PSAs as powerful about drinking and driving. I don’t see anybody doing any commercials with the cars burned up and turned to charcoal . . . blood spatters all over the ground . . . some celebrity announcer getting all whispery, saying, had this driver not had that final drink then he or she would still be alive.

  But the more I think about it, the sad truth is, maybe no public service announcement—no matter how strong or scary—is going to be enough. After all, disturbing as they are, I’ve seen plenty of those stop smoking spots, and I still light up.

  I think we need to do more.

  This subject has always been in my consciousness for one reason. It’s basic. I believe that people have to be responsible for what they do. There’s a concept, huh? Personal responsibility. Good lord, Whoopi’s gone crazy, talking like that!

  It’s true, though. Actions should have consequences. But the consequences also have to match the responsibility. So, all right, then. If I smoke, I know there’s a possibility that I could croak from it. I also know there’s a possibility I could croak just because I stepped on the sidewalk. But what I don’t like is that I can drink and drive and get caught—and then get my car back!! That’s not a consequence. If I drink and drive, if I get pulled over and flunk the test, my car should be taken. Period. That’s a consequence. You shouldn’t get two, or three, or four, five, six chances.

  Now, remember the woman who was that wrong-way driver on the Taconic Parkway in New York? Yeah, who could forget. Well, there’s still a lot of talk about her because her husband says he didn’t know her to be a drug user or an alcohol abuser. Folks in her neighborhood were kind of saying the same thing. And yet her stomach contents told a totally different story. If the lab tests were correct, though, you have to wonder, was this a one-time thing? We will never really know. But we do know this: For a lot of drunk drivers, it doesn’t happen just once. Not even close. But, hold on, if so many people get caught drinking and driving, and then go out and do it again and again and again, it begs the question: Why is it?

  I’ll tell you why.

  Because there’s no consequence.

  Oh, sure there are penalties, but not enough to be a deterrent. Not from what I’ve seen. Not happening. The evidence is that the behavior continues. How many times do we see that drunk drivers like the guy who allegedly killed Nick Adenhart, the Angels baseball player, are repeat offenders? Hey, why did that dude still have a car? He should not have been able to have a car. No debate. You don’t want people to drink and drive? When they do it—take the car! And then they have to prove that they’re clean and able to be a responsible human being behind the wheel.

  I tell you, if I had my own world? If you drank and drove, and got caught, you would not have a car. Your new best friend would be the bus, Jack. Someone would have to come and get you from the police station. And you would not be able to get your car back until I knew that you had gone through a program and had a certificate that said you have been clean and sober for seventy-five days.

  And while I’m good and hot about this, let me unload on the texters. If you get caught texting, your car should disappear for a month. Because, you know what? It’s too dangerous to text and drive, same as drinking. You get caught . . . bye-bye, car. You’re not a responsible enough person.

  Some people might say that is too extreme. Come on. If you’re not going to be responsible, someone has to step in like when you were a kid. The minute you’re doing something that is affecting the public roadways or other places where you can do harm to others, I don’t care if the government steps in and takes your car. You shouldn’t have been drinking and driving.

  And if a public service message won’t get your attention, maybe that will.

  Chapter 2

  Politics Has Gotten #$!@%! Nasty

  If you’re involved in politics, first of all, let me say this. I feel sorry for you. Seriously. How do people manage to get up every day and do that job? I don’t get it. I just don’t see how. And it’s always been a tough business. You have to have one thick hide, I don’t care what party you are in.

  And being President doesn’t cut you any slack. Not one bit. No matter what a President does, the other side is going to say, “We don’t want it.” Now, that sort of comes with the turf when you have more than one political party. It’s why guys like Stalin and Hitler didn’t need to do too much debating. Or vote-counting. Campaign spending? Not an issue. We have give and take. That’s at the heart of what’s always made our country work, I think. Your side didn’t always win, but you shook hands and moved on. It’s never been perfect, but mostly, it’s been good for the people.

  But things have changed. It feels like politics today is not about what’s best for the people. Politics today seems to be about my side shoulda won—and we’re going to do everything we can do to make you look bad.

  And wow, do they ever.

  Once, when you heard a politician say it was time to roll up our sleeves, it meant to get down to business. Now it’s for the fight. What the hell is going on? Senators flipping people off. Congressmen heckling the President, shouting that he lies. Political negativity has become toxic.

  I could never go into politics. I don’t have the patience. I would have popped that guy from South Carolina that yelled “You lie!” right there in Congress. I’m tired of the disrespect that’s being shown to the office. I’m tired of people saying, “Well, we’re not going to let our kids listen to the President of the United States.” How do you not play his address to the children? What’s the message you’re sending? Is it really that you don’t like his politics?

  Hey, while we’re at it? I’m also tired of people asking him for his birth certificate. Maybe they’d also like two forms of photo ID so he can cash a check while he’s at it . . . Yeah, like they’d ever cash his check.

  Presidents have always had their detractors, but come on. Was there ever this degree of pissing-on-trees acrimony around President Clinton or President Bush?

  So what is it? Is it politics? Race? What is it?

  Hard question. I go back and forth about what it is. I know what it sounds like.

  But if I were President . . . which would never happen . . . but let’s say for these purposes here—let’s say if I were the President—I would say to that heckler, “I am the President of the United States. You may not like all my policies. You may not like what I stand for, but you don’t get to disrespect me. We are a civil society. We’re not Parliament, OK?”

  But I’d say it an inch from his face . . . But I wouldn’t shout. Because A, I’m not a hypocrite, and B, I’m too cool to stoop.

  So what’s the deal? Is it race, or a total lack of acceptance in the turnout of the election? To make matters worse, all the talking heads have been incredibly disrespectful on both sides. There’s never been a shortage of partisan goons to push everybody’s buttons, but never like this before. This feels different.

  Debates that used to be about finger-pointing are all about finger-biting. Middle-aged folks are disrupting town hall meetings. Tea Party people are taking their tea bagging to the streets . . . People are scared. It’s kooky.

  A few years back, when I appeared at a rally for John Kerry, I made this joke . . . I’m a comic, after all. It started this ugly storm of controversy. You may or may not remember all that, but if you do, let me ask you something. Did you ever see what I said?

  No, nobody did. Because if you go back to those newspapers right after the incident, try to find what I said.

  Go ahead. I want you to see if you can find what I actually said. Here’s a big hint: You won’t see it.

  It was a joke about Bush. Bu
t all of the newspapers that said that I said something terrible never actually printed what I said. That drove me crazy. It made it sound worse because it was left to folks’ imaginations. They print other controversial things. There’s a way to do that. You know, whenever someone curses or is crude . . . what they do in print is put in some dots and dashes. “He’s a big old P-dot-dash-exclamation-point-Y.” That’s what you would see.

  We saw it when Vice President Biden whispered his F-bomb to the president at the signing ceremony for the health care bill and he didn’t know his microphone was live. Good ol’ Joe. He’s the cool uncle who sort of has this Restless Lip Syndrome. Whether you like his politics or not, that guy always keeps things entertaining. And when he leaned in to whisper in the President’s ear, all the TV stations and the newspapers used the punctuation trick when they quoted him saying, “This is a big f***ing deal.”

  Not the case with me.

  No one took a moment to say, “Well, where is it? Where is the quote? What exactly did she say?” And here’s the real pisser. Even if I said something about the President, when did that become a no-no?

  I’ve messed with Presidents from Reagan to Obama. Although . . . to be clear . . . I never once heckled them. And certainly not in a joint session of Congress. Puh-leeze!

  Do you see there’s a difference? I comment. I skewer. I joke. That’s part of what I do as a comic. And it’s a cornerstone of America’s First Amendment rights. I mean, we’re not in Iran or China, where it is courting death. So what was the result? It became economically unfeasible to make any protest or comment. It also got very vindictive, and I got no support from Democrats who were there.

  As I think about it, maybe it was the beginning of what we’re seeing more of now.

  Which takes me right back to why I would never run for President. I wouldn’t. And know why? Same reason a lot of folks don’t. Or who don’t go for cabinet appointments or judgeships.