Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? Read online

  But see, once you put that conversation in another person’s hands, it’s no longer what you want. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about you saying, “You fulfill my fantasy, but will you please fulfill it the way I wish you would fulfill it?”

  And if you want a relationship based on “wishful truthing,” where does it end? Clothes? . . . That is just the beginning.

  If you ask, “Am I the best you ever had?” be prepared, because the honest answer could be, “Well, no . . . But you’re the best for me right now. And here’s what you can do better for me, and here’s what I think I can do better for you. You want to tell me what I can do better for you? I will try to do that.”

  Now that’s a conversation.

  Working through this is hard. A relationship is the day-to-day work. The hour-to-hour, the minute-to-minute stuff. And usually . . . just asking one question about something small can suddenly lead you onto some very rough road. If you want the truth, buckle up.

  Which is probably why everyone just told the emperor his threads were cool.

  Chapter 46

  The Three Questions

  All right, I’m going to try to help you out with something here. You do want some practical skills after reading this book, right? I mean, it can’t all be beauty and entertainment.

  What I’ve got to share with you is one way to keep yourself from slipping into one of the nastiest of bad habits.

  Gossip.

  Yeah, sure, I know all that is just human nature. Is it the best of human nature?

  No. And it affects so many.

  We are all vulnerable to snooping and running our mouths off about things that aren’t any of our business. So to fight off the urge, stop and ask yourself three simple questions:

  1. Does it put any food on your table?

  2. Does it enhance your life in any way?

  3. Does it affect your personal being?

  If you answer “No” to any of these . . .

  Butt out.

  And it ain’t easy . . . believe me, I know. Every day I know. I’m human too. I feel the pull to check out the latest gossip. Maybe just one bitty peek. You know what it’s like. It’s a constant struggle not to succumb to the Dark Side.

  Most days I win, but many days I don’t.

  But I keep trying.

  Chapter 47

  You Realize I Can See You

  I smoke. And this is one of those things that gets me sort of nuts. If you’re standing outside, and you’re smoking because you’ve been forbidden to smoke anywhere—except in this microscopic patch of area—people walk by you . . . and wave their hands in the air.

  The commentary is unnecessary.

  Why? Because people are already standing outside feeling like criminals to start with. Inside, it’s made very clear:

  “If you smoke in this room YOU WILL GO TO JAIL!”

  It’s pretty deep. But people walk by and they cough. And I always want to say, “What point is there to you coughing? What is this supposed to do except piss me off?”

  So why would they do it?

  We hear all about the smokers who don’t have manners and how they get smoke in other people’s faces. But there’s no conversation at all about smokers who have complied—and yet they are still getting crap!!

  If you are one of these self-deputized, self-righteous smoking vigilantes, I want to talk to you. And I want to ask, what is the effect on your life if I am standing outside in twenty-one degrees—alone—smoking?

  Does my cigarette bother you, or is it the idea of my cigarette?

  And what is going on here? Why have we lost the ability to hold our opinions to ourselves when someone is doing something that is legal? As much criticism as there is about smoking, it’s still legal. If you are of age, you can go in and buy cigarettes. And do you know why? Because no state is going to get rid of smoking because . . . they want the revenue. So I question the health czars who say, “Oh, smoking’s bad for you,” and yet your state—your legislature—isn’t getting rid of the cigarettes because they want the tax money.

  So really now . . . Does anyone really care what I’m doing?

  Which is it? Because you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be pro my health and then put cigarette ads out everywhere. And keep selling them.

  And you know what else? You don’t have to exacerbate a situation because you’re feelin’ prissy.

  Think about this. We agree that people have positive and negative opinions about drinking, right? Right. But it is still legal if you are of age . . . just like cigarettes. Follow along with me. What would it be like if you were quietly enjoying a cocktail, and someone came into the bar and went, “You know, you’re gonna hit something because you’ve had that drink. You’re a drunk.”

  Or if they walked by and did a hiccup instead of the cough.

  People smoke, and they’re going to continue to smoke. It’s like people drink, and they’re going to continue to drink. Smokers already know the rap, that’s why they’re outside like criminals. Someone doing the right thing . . . complying with the rules and standing in two-degree weather . . . doesn’t need a comment from you.

  Why do you even need to? What is it doing for you? Does it make you feel better? What’s wrong in your life? That’s what you should be thinking about.

  If I’m over in the corner smoking my cigarette, leave me alone. Leave me alone. I’m away from you because you say cigarettes bother you, but you make it a point to be close enough to comment so I hear you, so I guess you can’t be that concerned, because you’re over here.

  And what are you trying to do anyway, start a fight? There are some people who get very upset about this. They say, “This is the one thing in my day . . . I’ve been in that cubicle . . . waiting for this moment. My cigarette break. And now you’re ruining it. And why are you surprised if I get in your face?”

  See, these are things that get me all worked up too, because I’m not bothering anyone. And what I do in my personal life has no effect on others.

  If you say, “Oh, I have asthma,” or “I’m allergic,” or “I can’t breathe if you’re smoking,” most people will say, “OK, I’ll go outside or I won’t smoke by you.” But this idea that all smokers—all people who smoke—are easy targets just makes me nuts.

  Now. If somebody’s clipping their toenails on the train, you get to comment on that. You get to actually go, “Could you not do that?” Because it’s unsanitary. I don’t know where your feet have been. I don’t know what those claws are carrying. I don’t know what you’ve been doing.

  But if I’m outside, all by myself, enjoying my cigarette in peace . . . I’ll make you a deal. I promise not to blow my smoke your way if you promise not to pretend I just did.

  Hey . . . maybe we can make this work after all.

  Chapter 48

  If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Do It

  Everybody’s trying to tell us how to live our lives these days. It’s annoying to me . . . In a big way. Here we are in a nation founded on personal liberty, but everywhere we turn there’s either a finger wagging at us or a law being proposed to stop us from the pursuit of happiness.

  And you know, it’s more than annoying. It’s kind of alarming, don’t you think?

  I say, if you don’t like someone’s behavior because he’s cheating on his wife—then don’t you do it. Don’t worry about him. If you don’t like it, don’t you do it.

  If you’re concerned about gay people who want to get married . . . number one, don’t marry a gay person! What does it do to you if two lesbians get married? What does it do to your faith? Nothing.

  If you think abortion is bad—don’t have one. But if I don’t think it’s bad? Don’t you decide for me what I need. It’s not your place.

  And this is really the crux of this book. It’s the crux of everything:

  If you don’t like it, don’t do it.

  You don’t like to drink? You think alcohol is bad . . . then don’t drink. But I like my alcoho
l. I like to have a glass of champagne. I don’t want you all up in my business because I’m having a glass of the bubbly.

  Out on the road, it’s a whole different story.

  If I’m getting in my car, and I’ve had a bottle of champagne . . . yeah, it would be a good idea for you to stop me. Because I could be affecting your life. Then it has something to do with you.

  If you don’t like violent TV—don’t watch it.

  If you don’t like seeing sex on TV—don’t watch it.

  Same with the movies. You don’t like all the violence—don’t go see those movies.

  Some people like a good, violent movie. Like The Three Stooges. It’s violent. People getting hit all the time. You don’t like it? Don’t watch it. But don’t take it away, because I do like it. And I haven’t killed anybody or hurt anybody. If you have four examples of how it may affect some people, OK. We’ll keep an eye out for those people who may have those symptoms. But I don’t have those symptoms. So your decision to change what I do is really annoying

  If you don’t like red meat, don’t eat it. If you’re a vegan, eat your vegetables and be happy. But if I’m a steak ’n’ potatoes girl . . . guess what? I don’t want to hear from you. And I don’t want you showing me pictures about how chickens and veal are butchered. I don’t want to see it! And I don’t see why you think it’s OK to show it to me simply because you don’t want me to do what I am enjoying.

  If you don’t like it—don’t eat it.

  I could see it if I had peanuts and you had a peanut allergy. Some people get anywhere near peanuts and it’s . . . PHOOMPH . . . like, their skin falls off. That is understandable. But you’re not saying to me, “You can’t have peanuts.” You’re saying, “You can’t have peanuts and make out with me.” That’s OK.

  You don’t want me to wear a fur coat? You don’t like fur—don’t wear it!

  Why should somebody not affected by something decide what someone else can or can’t do? People used to say to me, “Well, why did you buy that?” Well, why do you want to know? What do you care what I’m spending my money on? I’m not married to you. I am not your child. You are not my accountant. You have no business asking me that question.

  “Wow, you paid that much for that?” Yeah . . . And?

  You’re mad. You’re mad because I bought something with my money that I earned ’cause you think it’s too much money to spend. But that’s not my problem. That’s your problem.

  So it comes down to my money that I earned. My decisions. What I choose to do.

  As long as it doesn’t come into your house and mess with you—leave me alone. I’ll go back to where I started . . . Doesn’t it seem that what I’m talking about is the protection of our personal freedoms?

  But here’s the problem. One-on-one meddling in our private lives is irritating enough. This whole ugly “interference mentality” went to Washington and joined the debate over health care. You heard congressmen and senators deciding not to vote for it because it might cover something they don’t like . . . Or want . . . Or find creepy.

  Repeat after me: If you don’t like it, don’t do it.

  You know, I listen to all these people who are still arguing that we never should have passed health care. Well, here’s my take on that: In the next year, every senator and congressman who’s against it should lose their benefits. They should all have to go out and get insurance like everybody else. And then they’d get it. Then they would understand it. It’s like politicians who’ve never been to war sending kids to war. Sure, it’s easy for them. If they’ve never been there, they might take a little more time before they made their decision. So if you have to fight tooth and nail to get your health benefits, I think you’d be a little more receptive to the pro side of the debate. You might understand why some systems might not work.

  We heard the no’s from people who have excellent health care. People who are covered every which way. They get a hangnail? They can go to the doctor. But so many other people don’t have insurance and can’t afford it. They can’t get it because the decision is in the hands of people who have 100 percent insurance. So these guys and gals are still sitting around saying, “Aw, I don’t think this is a good idea for the country . . .” I say turn the tables on them. Would that be fair? Would that be better if we said, “OK, you don’t get to have your insurance. You have to have what we have. You have to take exactly the same routes that we have to take.”

  When President Obama addressed Congress, he said everybody should have what we have. What he should have said is, “We should have what they have.” That’s really what needs to happen. And that will spark a debate like you can’t believe, because the minute people who have had the best can’t have the best . . . there’s a fight.

  The point is health care reform was finally made law. But some people just won’t let go of it. Too many things in it they don’t like. Or want. Or find creepy. Well, they need to get past all that. Drop the shoe, Sparky!

  Maybe they’ll read this book. Or maybe you can tell them something for me:

  If you don’t like it, don’t do it.

  Chapter 49

  Should We Be Worried About This?

  OK, we’ve all had this happen. We’re ready to sit down and have dinner. The phone rings. It’s your long-lost high school friend. “Guess who this is? . . . Really, guess! I ran into Jane at the supermarket and she gave me your number. I hope it’s OK.” Maybe it is OK. Maybe it’s not. The fact is, it’s a little late to ask that question.

  Whoever gave your number out to that old high school classmate probably thought they were doing something kind for you. Or they were in the produce section and felt kind of put on the spot . . . Or maybe woozy from garlic fumes. The smarter thing to do—always—is to say, “You know what? Let me see if I can get hold of them.” And call them and say, “I just ran into so-and-so, and they want your number. Do you want me to give it to them?” It only takes as long as it takes for you to write down the information.

  Now, most people don’t know what your relationship to that person is. Whether you’re ready to talk to them, or whether you want to talk to them or be anywhere near them. And when you give out someone’s personal information . . . whether it’s an email address, a home address, or a phone number, you are potentially endangering them. Because you don’t know what you’re dealing with.

  And even if you think, “Oh, I know this person wouldn’t hurt her,” the fact is, you don’t know what the relationship to the person whose information you’re giving out has been. So take a minute and just call or send an email making sure it’s all right to share that info.

  I’m a big believer in respecting personal boundaries. I try to respect other people’s and I want them to respect mine . . . You do too, I bet. If not, please take a step back. Go back to the beginning of this book and start over.

  I’m not just talking about people getting physically close or walking in your yard without your permission. That’s another conversation. This is about personal information boundaries . . . and people need to respect those too. Including your friends and coworkers.

  Think about what happens with your emails. You write them, you send them. Done, right? Nope. Because then what happens? People forward. So you send an email to somebody personal in your life. You’ve not only sent the text that you wrote to them, but if that gets forwarded, not only does your message get forwarded, so can your email address.

  It’s like this: I send an email to you. You say, I think Sherri would think this is funny. So you forward it to Sherri. Sherri then gets what I wrote—plus my email address. That’s fine with me because Sherri’s cool, but what if it’s not Sherri? What if it’s somebody I don’t want to have all that? I didn’t get a choice.

  They have this thing called Blastmail, which is tech slang for a mass email from a mailing list. Now, say your friend sends out a Blastmail to you and thirty other people. Unless your friend knows how to mask them, every single one of those email addresses sh
ow up there too. So thirty other people, some of whom may be strangers, just got your email address. And you just got theirs. I just learned this . . . the hard way.

  The privacy thing is only part of it. You know those little buttons for “Reply” and “Forward”? There’s also one for “Reply All.” Somebody clicks that, all thirty of you get their reply. Handy, I suppose, if you’re working on a project with a large group. Or if you’re a Baldwin or a Jonas and you want to make sure everybody in the family gets the word. But some folks get irritated when it’s thirty responses to the joke about “You know you’re over fifty when . . .” And then for the next three days you’re getting emails coming to you from amateur comedians who pressed “Reply All.”

  I’m guilty of this. People send me wonderful, dopey emails that I love, so if I know other people that I think will like it, I send it to them.

  But if you send out something that contains confidential information . . . it’s all on you. So it’s worth it to take a moment to read what you are sending. Then just make a new email without any of the sensitive content in it. That’s an easy cut and paste job, and then you’re covered.

  I guess if people take the time and look at what they’re doing before they send their emails out, a lot of hurt feelings can be avoided. The ladies on The View were talking about the fact that they have sent out emails to people by mistake. It’s because they weren’t paying attention. But it’s too important not to. You’ve got to know what button you’re clicking. You think you’re forwarding but you’re actually . . . replying?!? Uh-oh!

  The Web is a great tool for communication. Unfortunately, it’s just as great for miscommunication. Or a little too much communication.

  This brings me to Tiger Woods. If nothing else came out of all that, it’s learning that there are no borders in the digital world. If you put anything out there, you lose control of it. Someone can take it. And use it.