Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? Page 6

  It’s also amazing what you can get away without. If you’re going to Cancún, how much clothing do you actually need? Or if you’re just going to go strolling, you bring your strolling clothes. But you don’t need a fifty-pound suitcase to do that. If you’re not going to the opera, chances are you can leave the tuxedo and the gown back home. Even if you do plan on dining out in nice restaurants a few nights, chances are, very few people in the population of the city you are visiting will remember what you had on the night before. So pack one outfit and get multiple uses out of it. Pack only for where you’re going and for what you’ll be doing. Everything else gets a stay-cation.

  If you’re going to a place that’s really cold, like Colorado or New England in the dead of winter, chances are you should probably get one of those Space Bags, where you use the vacuum cleaner to suck the air out and shrink everything down. They work. They are really good products to have. If you’ve got a lot of clothing, pack it up, suck the air out, and put it in a suitcase. They work brilliantly on big woolly coats—they vacuum pack it. Think of it as an investment in your future!

  Now, your stuff may be a little wrinkled, but that’s what they make irons for. And every hotel has an iron and housekeeping! Call ’em. If you have a giant parka, you hang it up in the bathroom and turn on the shower so that it just moistens the air up, and poof! It’s back, wrinkle-free.

  I’m waiting for the day I can be vacuum-packed and mailed to my vacation destination. It’s not exactly “Beam me up, Scotty,” but it would mean no waiting in lines. The only bad part would be that my good friends at the airlines would be deprived of the fee for my carry-on. Know what? I can live with that.

  Chapter 21

  A Civil Person’s Handy List: How Not to Slow Down a TSA Screening

  • Don’t wear a ton of metal jewelry.

  Who are you trying to impress on the plane?

  • Don’t bring liquids.

  • Know what you can’t bring through.

  Go to www.tsa.gov.

  • Be clean.

  These people have to deal with you in close quarters.

  • Arrive early so you are not hassled going in.

  • Don’t shove or cut in line.

  • If someone cuts the line on you, let it go.

  • Hassle no one. Even if you are right.

  • Pack so you don’t have to dig for your computer.

  • Have your ID ready. And the boarding pass.

  This is not new stuff.

  • No jokes. No kidding.

  • Take off your earphones. Be present.

  • Get off the cell phone.

  • Try and smile at the TSA folks.

  • And say thank you.

  Chapter 22

  Just Plane Good Manners

  Is it me, or does annoying behavior seem worse when it happens on an airplane? Yeah, it does feel more annoying there. Because as uncomfortable, crowded, and emotionally draining situations go, flying . . . sitting all crammed together there in a pressurized tube for hours and hours . . . flying is right there on top of the list. If ever there was one place that good manners are appreciated and bad manners are noticed, it’s on an airplane. Well . . . and maybe a submarine.

  Crazy me. I thought we all had an obligation when we get on a plane to make sure that we don’t create an uncomfortable situation for anyone else. How? Simple. Either because we drank too much . . . or don’t want to comply with the rules of turning off the phone . . . or switching off the computer. Or just by being too loud and obnoxious. People have got to cut that out.

  There are other people on that plane. And just like you don’t want to be annoyed . . . they don’t want to be annoyed either. So if everybody does what they’re asked, chances are, it will be a really cool flight.

  How easy is that?

  People could start by lightening up on the flight attendants. You have to figure that crew has been dealing with other people before we got on their plane. Who knows? They might have just worked a red-eye cross-country with the drunk-on-their-butts cast from Jersey Shore. So, if they’re not the cheeriest people you’ve seen all day, keep in mind you don’t know what you’re getting the wrath of. But again—a smile and a “How you doin’ ” can work wonders. Now, if they’re just total crabs, you are allowed to say, “Come on, now, this is tough enough. So, hi, how are you?” That’s OK to say. But you don’t want to give the flight attendant too much crap. You don’t want a big hassle.

  Folks need to check their drinking on the plane. They just do. Six miles up in a jet is not someplace to get silly or drown sorrows. You’re sitting in close proximity to other people so, come on, check that alcohol intake. Now, some people have to have a little sumpin’-sumpin’ just to chill them out so they can fly. That’s cool. But if you know that you can’t do more than two drinks, don’t have more than two. Don’t do it. This is transportation, not Mardi Gras!

  People who drink too much should be very aware that not only is it not cool for the flight attendants, but it’s not cool for the rest of the people on the plane. On the ground, drunks make everyone tense. In the air . . . they freak everyone out. Nobody knows what the hell a drunk’s going to do. And most drunks, you can’t reason with them. There is no logical discussion with someone who has altered their state. So if you want to get hammered, keep in mind that your behavior on that plane may not bode well for you when you land. Because, here you thought you were going on vacation, and instead, you’re going to jail. Why? Because you knew that you shouldn’t have had that fourth drink. And you knew!

  These days, you can’t fool around. You just can’t. So why, with everybody paranoid about terrorists and nut jobs . . . why would you want to make other people on the plane nervous that you’re going to do something unpredictable? And if you’re an alcoholic, here’s what I want to say to you. You need to substitute some hard thinking for the hard drinking.

  Hey, they should maybe put that on a cocktail napkin.

  It is scary, though. And if you’re traveling with someone who you know is a belligerent drunk, let somebody else know. Get up. Talk to the flight attendant. If you don’t want the drinker to know that’s what you’re doing, walk to the back bathroom where they can’t see you doing it. Grab a flight attendant and say, “Listen, this person drinks a lot. And if you give them more than this, they can be a hassle.” Alert people so you can get some help—so, A, you’re not handling this all by yourself, and B, you’re taking into consideration other people on the plane. And if you can do that, most flights would be all right.

  Even better when the pilots pass the Breathalyzer.

  Oh. Delicate subject, but we’re among friends, right? If you’ve been a little sickly, or your stomach has been acting up, follow the rules of “If I Was Walking in after Me . . .” So, if it’s possible, in your handbag or in your back pocket, bring a little freshener thing that can ease the scent in the can. Take your little Magic Tree and hang it up in there. Do something nice. That’s not a bad thing.

  And after you use the head, clean up, please. Don’t leave water and soap suds all over. Again, other people are sharing the space. You know when you’ve made a mess. Don’t leave it for somebody else. You’d be mad as hell if you came into that bathroom and it was a wreck. So, you know, show a little thought for the people who are on the plane with you. Wash your face, sure. But if you make a mess around the sink, clean it up. It takes no time.

  Also, if you happen to see that the toilet paper has like four sheets left, let the flight attendant know. Because nobody wants to walk in there and sit down and look over and see there’s no toilet paper. There’s no reason for it. Also, keep in mind everyone knows it’s you—there are only three bathrooms, and these days we now watch anyone who gets up, so pretend you’re going to be the next one in.

  Pretend it’s you.

  All this stuff is fresh on my mind because I started flying again last year. My fear of flying came from seeing two planes collide. That, you know, cannot happe
n again. Not unless someone is trying to ram you with their airplane. There are stopgaps put into place that will keep that from being an issue again. High five for technology!

  I took the step to get over my fear after I got whorish and accepted a job in London and they were sending a private plane for me. Gulp. But know what? Because I talked about my fear of flying, the people at Virgin said, “Wait a minute, we have a program that might help.”

  It’s an amazing course for folks who won’t, or can’t, fly. The Virgin people put me with a pilot and a psychologist, plus someone who had successfully been through the program. And so I sat with them for five hours the day before I was getting on the private plane. I felt better because I learned that a lot of the things that were keeping me back don’t exist anymore. When we finished, I said to them, “OK, I hear and see everything you’ve shown me and I feel like if I can do this thing to London, and if I feel the same when I come back, I will take myself to the airport, get on a plane, and go to LA and knock on my daughter’s door.”

  And that’s what I did.

  Now, I still hate flying. It’s not something I want to do. But now it’s something I can do.

  So here I am. Now I can fly again and be up there cruising along at thirty-five thousand feet. With all the drunks, and the bin hogs, and the guy with the dirty hands trimming his fingernails on the seatback tray.

  Lucky me.

  Chapter 23

  Even Steve Jobs Has to Turn Off His Cell Phone

  I have been called a lot of things. But compliant is not often one of them. Some might even say, “She’s compliance-challenged.” Or “compliance-unfriendly.” Yes, I’m the one who colors outside the lines and in the boldest colors I can find. My drum does beat a little differently. But, hey, you get me on an airplane, and I am the Borg from Star Trek. I assimilate. That is to say, I become a compliance freak.

  They keep the rules pretty simple. Buckle the belt. No gathering in the aisles, especially not by the cockpit door. No smoking. No assaulting crew members. And turn your electronics off when they tell you to.

  Not too challenging, right?

  Then why, oh, why do so many folks have trouble powering down their electronics? Some people kind of forget. I guess they’re too busy figuring out how to recline their seatback into the bridge of your nose. But there are some people who try to be slick. They palm their cell phones or hide their computers when the flight attendants are near.

  What’s slick about that? Hey, Mr. Slick . . . know what your computer is actively doing when it’s on in that critical time of takeoff and landing? It is interfering with the safety of all the other passengers. That’s why they are really adamant about your turning off your computer until you’re up and running.

  What’s the point? They didn’t see you leave it on. Aren’t you something. You got over this time. But what happens if something goes wrong, and it’s your computer’s fault because it’s not in the mode it’s supposed to be in? Which is off.

  Again. All everyone has to do are the few things they need to do. It’s easy. And it’s common sense. If everybody’s computer is off, then there’s not an issue. Simple! You cannot be playing with your computer. Just turn it off.

  It’s fifteen or twenty minutes. Are you seriously going to say you can’t deal with that?

  Most people reading this are thinking the same thing right now. It’s the same thing the passengers around you are thinking: Is your life so much more important than everybody else’s? Are you too big to turn your computer off? No. Even on a private plane they ask you to do the same thing. Turn it off until they get up and running. It’s a safety issue there’s no reason to mess with.

  If you have an iPhone, or another cell phone model that has an airplane mode, everybody knows they can click it to that, and still listen to their music, or play their games, or do whatever they want to do during the flight. But you can’t do phone calls. So why would you? Do you really want to fool with the navigation equipment on the plane? You want a safe flight, the pilots want a safe flight. These are the things we all need to comply with in order to have a safe, easy flight. Why not just do it?

  If you’re one of those who tries to sneak text messages and cell phone calls in-flight, let me ask you this: What makes you more important than everyone else on the plane? They want to talk to their loved ones, make business calls, and text too. So who do you think you are? Because, pretty much, if they catch you, they’re going to take it and you won’t get it back until you land. And maybe not even then. They may have to take it in and see what you were doing with it. Were you trying to make something bad happen to that flight? So you are opening yourself up to so many unnecessary hassles.

  All just so you can say to somebody, “Guess where I am? On the plane!”

  And then it’s like, “OK . . . and?” In case you hadn’t noticed, a lot of folks are flying these days, so the person you’re calling is probably not especially impressed. What are you doing that can’t wait? Why take the chance of being in an uncool position for three hours when you can avoid it by just turning it all off?

  Even Steve Jobs has to turn his phone off. The pope has to turn his phone off. Obama has to turn his phone off . . . You are no better than anybody else on that plane. Regardless of what you think. And you are surrounded by the same rules and obligations.

  So follow ’em!

  Chapter 24

  Self-Test: A Traveler Check

  Do you help other passengers with their overhead luggage when they need a hand?

  If yes, score 0

  If no, score 2

  Have you ever gotten drunk on a flight to the point the flight attendant said you were cut off?

  If no, score 0

  If yes, score 5

  Have you ever been reprimanded by a flight attendant for your behavior?

  If no, score 0

  If yes, score 5

  If more than once, score 10

  Did it bother you?

  If yes, score 2

  If no, score 5

  Do you make it a point to clean up your mess before you leave the restroom?

  If yes, score 0

  If no, score 5

  Have you ever used your computer or cell phone when it’s not allowed?

  If no, score 0

  If yes, score 5

  If regularly, score 10

  When it’s time to get off the plane, do you wait for rows to clear in order, or do you squeeze ahead of the crowd?

  If you wait, score 0

  If you squeeze ahead, score 5

  Total score: ______

  Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

  Chapter 25

  Fragrant Fliers

  A lot of airlines don’t serve food anymore. Count your blessings. Those that do charge you five hundred dollars for a snack bag you can’t get open. And when you do, your reward is three mini pretzels.

  That’s the good news—three pretzels. But the bad news is that most people are bringing on their own food.

  Yikes.

  Has anyone noticed the . . . unusual fragrances . . . on airplanes now? I suggest . . . have a little sense when you bring food aboard a plane. Because you’re in a little closed cabin, and you don’t want to be testing everybody’s gag reflex. Come on, people. Wait the four freakin’ hours to get where you’re going to have stinky cheese. Bring yourself some crackers and some jelly or apple butter. How about one of those energy bars just to fend off the hunger pangs until you land? Bring something that isn’t going to stiffen other people’s nostrils or send them into anaphylactic shock.

  Some people crack open that Tupperware and you can see the heads just starting to turn this way and that. Noses go in the air, faces start wincing. Know what that look is? That’s the “WTF?” look.

  Is that the look you want to be getting? Then don’t pack along anything that’s really pungent—overpowering foods that you might be used to but other people might not
be. And hope to never smell again.

  Once their sense of smell returns . . . if it ever does.

  I mean, come on. Some of that grub smells so foul I expect to see the oxygen masks drop.

  Look, it’s not going to mess you up not to have the stinky fish for four or five hours, is it? Or an overabundance of garlic. Unless you plan on encountering a vampire in-flight, I’ll bet you can survive without the garlic.

  Your best solution is just to eat a little something before you get on the plane. But if you have a long flight and need a snack, what about bringing something like cut-up veggies—some carrots and celery—and maybe some hummus? They make a packaged hummus and pretzels that will keep your stomach from growling.

  Keep it simple. That way you get something in your tummy . . . Plus that way, you won’t have to see all those heads craning over the seat backs at you . . . trying to figure out who’s the jerk eating the roasted whole cod in garlic sauce.

  Chapter 26

  A Civil Person’s Handy List: Stinky Foods Not to Bring on a Plane

  • Cabbage-based anything. Coleslaw, sauerkraut.

  • Tuna fish salad, even in a sandwich. Any fish. Any. Fish.

  • Including gefilte fish. It may not look like a fish, but it sure smells like one.

  • Lox (it’s fish, right?)

  • Anything with garlic

  • Chili

  • Chili dogs